what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
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So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
and now we wait
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .