boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
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I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
What
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim