Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
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“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
podcasts
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Breaking news:
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.