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Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
My birthstone is kidney
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check