SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
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The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Breaking news:
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”