and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
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I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
had to make it
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|