friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
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Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches