My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
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*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?