Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
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it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no