Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
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dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Oh deer
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.