WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
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If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.