man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
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“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes