*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
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The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.