ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
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Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit