*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
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me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
#DesignFail
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting