can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
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Bond. Trauma bond.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
True?
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
getting corrected
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.