Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Does this dress make me look cat?
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
All of my best ideas involve jail time.