I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
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Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Worst perfume name ever.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.