Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
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I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires