Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
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Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Me trying to reach for my goals
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.