ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
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These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
why am I working on Labor Day
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.