Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
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FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I miss this era type of pranks😭
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive