The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
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KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.