A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
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Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
one of
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”