Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes