Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
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A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday