Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
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Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?