Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
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My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.