when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
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once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”