I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
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Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I’M CRYINGGG
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!