Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
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Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.