God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
You Might Also Like
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps