I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
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HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
This cat wants you to take your pills
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter