Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
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INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”