Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
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My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
He took my last fry, your honor
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Secret Panel HERE 🤘