Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE