Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
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I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible