Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
You Might Also Like
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.