Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
You Might Also Like
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts