When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
You Might Also Like
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly