you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
The photographer’s assistant
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Remember folks 😂
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE