October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
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I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby