“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
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Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.