Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
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I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.