If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
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My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”