PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
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Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I was just discussing this with my cat
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.