If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
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Big Sex has us all fooled
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.