Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
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You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Its a hippotatomus
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.