I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
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Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.