Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
You Might Also Like
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
The happy life.. 😊
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.